What if you don't deserve happiness or health or help? (2023)


Clip from a recent stream on Twitch: twitch.tv/markwfreeman Variations of this delusion come up often. And that's exactly what it is: a delusion that we then engage with through all sorts of compulsions to trap ourselves in a tiny cage. It's time to bust out of that cage by stealing some happiness.

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What if you're stuck? What if your big barrier is that you feel? Uh, you don't deserve help, or it comes up in all sorts of ways, right? We'll, say, all right? I don't deserve, uh that job right? I don't deserve success, uh, you know, I have to we feel like we have to go and do a whole bunch of things before we're deserving of that, or I don't deserve that relationship, it's another place that comes up a lot.

People feel actually that they they don't want to get into actually a healthy relationship, a relationship, that's, good for them, because they feel like, oh, there's.

All these things that are wrong with me or there's.

All these things I need to fix first and then I'll be deserving of this thing.

So there's, two things.

I really want to call it with this one.

The first thing to recognize is this like this is the same as every other compulsion, where we believe there's this feeling we need to get before doing the thing that's actually useful to us.

There is no difference between saying, ah, you know, maybe I should go to therapy, but like I don't, like I don't feel deserving of it.

I don't feel deserving of help that's, no different than oh like I'd like to leave my home, but I don't feel like I I can do that right now, because I don't feel certain about either what's at home, or I like I don't feel safe.

I don't feel like it's, it's good for me right now.

And then we do all those compulsions like, oh, okay.

I just need to check lots of things in here, or we start doing lots of compulsions because we're afraid of contaminating something out there like, oh, I'm gonna take the bad thing outside.

I don't feel I should do that.

I need to feel like it's resolved before I go and live my life same as every other compulsion.

But so often we believe it right this idea of deserving.

We this is one that I see coming up a lot where people really buy into it.

What we do here is, yeah.

We just we create this cage that we hold ourselves into the other thing, the second thing so that's, that's, first, recognizing it's, the same as every other compulsion, just choosing a feeling.

The other thing to to look at here, too is that it's also an indicator that there are many other compulsions happening before it.

Because when we're when we're trapped in that, oh, I don't deserve things, I'm, not good, etc cage.

We've built that cage through attaching meanings and judgments to so many different things in our lives.

And so many things we've done.

So many things that happen in our heads we can start to work on tackling the compulsions around that, you know, the things we're avoiding, because we think we're not deserving.

So we can say, okay, well, like you know, you're gonna go you're gonna call, you know somebody to get help you're gonna like actually give yourself that or you're just you're gonna give yourself some enjoyment this weekend like have a good time.

You don't always have to be punishing yourself things like that we can cut that out.

But, we've gotta also cut out all the compulsions that came before it.

And that act often gets into beliefs beliefs that we may have held onto for a very long time.

We build these cages this cage of I'm, not deserving like I shouldn't be happy.

We build them through these like intricate, complex series of compulsions, these series of transactional compulsions and judgments.

We say, oh, because I had this thought, therefore I am a bad person, or if I haven't figured out xyz, then I can't move ahead in life.

If I'm somebody who struggles with anxiety, then I can't do this, and I can't do that, and I can't do that.

And we the thing is, we often believe those and to start to recognize that those are compulsions that judging and labeling is a very straightforward controlling compulsion that we're often engaging in throughout our lives.

And that we see as normal, we may see as necessary.

And so start to look for that pattern.

This very transactional pattern, where we say, okay, I'm going to put this judgment on myself I'm going to attach this meaning, oh, and then because I attached that meaning, well that kind of person can't do this.

And that kind of person, oh, like that's bad.

They shouldn't go and take that kind of job.

They shouldn't work in a job like they shouldn't be out in public, because you know, it's going to come out that they're a bad person and they're going to be so embarrassed.

This is where you see people running into all of these compulsions, too around like fears of getting cancelled, avoiding jobs, really confining themselves in that cage start to see how we build that cage start to see how we're constantly going about attaching labels to things putting them in these tiny boxes that restrict us.

So what we've got to do is just like this pug right there.

We've got to just start to recognize so one, yeah, you could cut out the cobalts.

But because the brain has learned all of this stuff, you really the way to do this to really start to teach your brand new things is you've got to do it through actions, the brain learns beliefs through how we behave in the world.

So that cage that you've built, oh, I don't deserve this.

I shouldn't have that I'm a bad person.

So I can't do this that cage you built the only way to break it down now is to steal happiness is to start to take.

It is to notice the brain go.

Oh, but you're, not deserving like look.

You've spent all of these years telling yourself you're, not deserving of this, and that people who do that shouldn't have that and somebody that has those kinds of bad thoughts, shouldn't be allowed to go and do this.

The brain has learned that okay, let's learn that.

Now we've got to show it a more useful way of interacting with the world, and like for the pug that more useful way of interacting with the world is just go for the treats and that those treats are happiness.

Those treats are health.

This treats our enjoyment, those streets are relationships that nurture us and support our lives.

Those treats are doing the things that we want to do in life and giving the things we want to give.

And we've got to start to go and do them.

And then the brain starts to learn.

So if you're running in to challenges with a question like a question, similar to this and there's all sorts of forms of it, like I explained there this, oh, I don't.

Do I don't deserve this because of xyz, I shouldn't do that because I'm this kind of person.

And so on the way to break that down is to step out of the cage and it'll feel terrifying.

So come back to this pug, because that pug, no shame about what it's doing right now just tongue out get up on the counter top.

And you get the treats you.


What is it called when you think you don t deserve happiness? ›

Impostor syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which you feel like you don't deserve your accomplishments. You might feel like you don't belong, don't deserve your success, or are “out of place.” You might even be constantly worried others will expose you as a fraud.

How do you stop feeling like you don't deserve happiness? ›

Realize you did the best you could do at the time

While you can't directly change how you feel, you can change what you think, and the key here is thinking that you did the best you could do at that time. Your self-criticism is coming from your emotional mind looking back at the past through the lens of the present.

Why do I feel I don't deserve nice things? ›

Feeling like we don't deserve something shows that we are equating our performance with our self worth. We feel worthy of love and reward only when we've performed well, and we can never perform well enough to feel worthy for very long.

Do we deserve happiness? ›

Happiness is its own reward and every human being deserves to feel fulfilled and satisfied. For some, feelings of guilt and unworthiness may get in the way of happiness, and they can be very difficult to overcome.

Why do people feel they don't deserve to be happy? ›

A major part of believing you don't deserve to be happy is your internal narrative. People tend to focus on what they did wrong in a situation, which can spark negative thought spirals. If you believe you're a bad person, you can feel guilty when you're happy. This can lead to you not prioritizing your happiness.

Why do I feel unworthy of happiness? ›

Such feelings are often a common symptom of depression, but can also arise due to things such as low self-esteem, neglect, abuse, trauma, or difficult situations that pose a threat to a person's sense of self.

How do I stop feeling unworthy and undeserving? ›

10 Solid Steps To Stop Feeling Undeserving Of Good Things
  1. Acknowledge your truth. ...
  2. Acknowledge your weaknesses. ...
  3. Understand that nobody can do what you do. ...
  4. Acknowledge your strengths. ...
  5. Understand that making progress is way more important than reaching perfection. ...
  6. Work on yourself. ...
  7. Practice self-love journaling daily.

How do you convince yourself you deserve good things? ›

Here are four ways you can begin to feel more worthy starting right here, right now:
  1. Forgive yourself. Many of us struggle to feel worthy, because we are angry with ourselves about past mistakes. ...
  2. Practice self-acceptance. ...
  3. Be there for yourself. ...
  4. Connect to supportive people.
Nov 18, 2020

Why do I feel like I don't deserve love? ›

Deep down we all want to be loved, share love or experience love. However, sometimes our family history, our past relationships and our limited self beliefs can make us feel like “I don't deserve love”. Feeling deserving of love really comes down to our ability to see ourselves as worthy of being loved.

What is it called when you don't feel worthy? ›

Imposter syndrome makes us think irrationally about our aptitudes and performance: We don't believe we've excelled, and we don't believe we deserve the rewards that come along with our success.

Why do all the bad things make me feel so good? ›

The reason bad behaviour can feel satisfying before the guilt kicks in, is brain chemistry. When we take a risk, we flood our nervous systems with the hormone adrenaline, otherwise known as the 'fight or flight' response. This hormonal response can be addictive.

Does everyone deserve to enjoy life? ›

The bottom line is that everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled. You don't need to feel guilty for wanting to be happy or believing that you are worthy of it. If you're struggling with feeling like you don't deserve to be happy, it's okay.

Does happiness really matter? ›

Besides feeling good, positive emotions do good things for our brains and bodies. They lower stress hormones, help ease anxiety and depression, and improve our immune system. Feeling some positive emotions every day has a big effect on our happiness and well-being.

What is the #1 rule of happiness? ›

The first rule for leading a happier life is to do more of what you love. This sounds simple, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds. You might be pretending to be happy in your job or relationship. It's time to get honest with yourself!

What is the cherophobia? ›

What Is Cherophobia in Psychology? The term cherophobia, originating from the Greek term 'chairo,' which means 'to rejoice,' is the aversion to or fear of happiness.

What is false feeling of happiness? ›

Faking happiness occurs when you make yourself appear to be happy to others, but don't truly feel this way internally. To everyone else, it looks like you're having the time of your life, but on the inside, you feel as though something is missing. No matter what you accomplish, you still feel unfulfilled.

What is happiness disorder? ›

Signs and symptoms of the highs of cyclothymia may include: An exaggerated feeling of happiness or well-being (euphoria) Extreme optimism. Inflated self-esteem.

What is a person who has cherophobia? ›

Allcock has chorophobia — in Greek, chorós means dance — which is defined as a fear of dancing. He has rarely danced in public since he was a child. “Dancing is supposed to be fun,” he says.

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